Junk Drawer

I don't know if I got the dates mixed up, or if your plans changed, or what, but… Well, I was a little disappointed when it turned out you weren't home throughout the days this week, but in the end it's probably for the best. This week has turned out to be a horrorshow at work, with looming deadlines suddenly feeling far too loomy. So trying to wrangle the stress of that plus the stress I'd put on myself to try to make sure we got to see each other while we were both home on our own… It would have been a lot. So… While I obviously still desperately hope to get to talk to you alone sometime (soooooon), I'm a bit thankful this week turned out the way it did.

Speaking of getting to talk to you, I wonder if you do this… I collect things that I want to talk to you about. Just a mental list. Things that have come up. Things I've watched that I think you'd enjoy. Kid's stuff. Whatever. I realized I've been keeping these little mental lists for a few years now. But then… when I finally do get to talk to you… somehow it all just slips away. I get lost in your eyes, or… I get nervous, or… just… I dunno.

Of course, our conversations are always just about the most enjoyable thing in the world for me, so… I guess that's alright. But I long for a day when I don't have to keep those lists, because I just get to talk to you whenever I please. Because you're just there… by my side.

We successfully extracted the pencils, btw. It turned out not to be too difficult. And yes, this is the sort of super important stuff I keep on that mental list, so… maybe it's best that I always forget it all the second I look into your eyes, lol.

I've been a bit sad for the past couple of days. Not the usual thing, where I senselessly decide you don't like me anymore or something. I think the most remarkable thing about the past few weeks is how clear it's become that I finally seem to get it. It hasn't all been in my head. You do have feelings for me. I don't yet know the extent of them, but it's clearly more than just you liking me a tiny bit too much.

No… I've been sad because the most recent failed attempt to get to spend time together just nailed home how impossible everything still is. I had been kinda trying to do the whole “loving you outside of the box” thing. Trying to find ways to show you that I love you, without overstepping the bounds of our prior commitments.

But… we're too obvious. And I'm not sure if we can even help it anymore. And… obviously, the reason this latest attempt didn't work out - at least the reason that I overheard before your conversation turned quiet - is perfectly valid and has nothing to do with gatekeeping… But that doesn't mean other attempts, perhaps even ones I don't know about, haven't been quashed simply because he doesn't want you to spend too much time with me.

And I know things have been quashed on this side. Heck, she even killed her own idea recently. A proposal she was going to make to you and your family for a trip together, with the kids. And perhaps a concert that you had your sights on in the evening. But, she axed it. And now we're doing the trip on our own, tomorrow, no concert.

So… I'm a bit sad because I don't know how well the loving you out-of-the-box plan can actually work.

But you are…

⭐️, I know this is a weird thing to say with how little we still know about each other, but I swear… you are the love of my life. I've never experienced feelings this strong, not for anyone. I didn't know I was capable. I can list a million reasons but really it's just… I am just so incredibly drawn to you, and everything you do, and everything you are. And I know even those parts of you that I don't know yet, I'm going to love. I can feel it. And it's proven to be true, every time you've ever revealed a new part of yourself to me. It's just always made me love you more. And more. And more.

I just love you.

And I'm pretty sure you love me, too.

But… you aren't available. I'm not available.

So… I'm a bit sad today.

sigh

I know I went all goo-goo about that new profile photo of yours. And it is truly stunning. I'm still taken aback by your amazing beauty every time I see it…

But the photo of you that I keep going back to again and again and again since you posted it is that selfie of you in the park, with the baseball cap and red tank top. Oh, so incredibly pretty. I, um… I might have unfollowed an account just so that that photo would be the first thing I saw when launching the Instagram app for another few hours… Alas, it was inevitable that it would fall off eventually, and it did. But, gosh…

You are absolutely perfect, just exactly as you are, and I hope you know that.

I love you.

Yours,
♒️